BattleBots: Bounty Hunters E4

[BattleBots: Bounty Hunters is available on Discovery+.]

Preemptive disclaimer for all you content surfers out there who are totally fine joining a project in progress instead of starting at episode 1: this is last year’s Bounty Hunters series (as in 2020’s season, not 2021’s). I kind of missed the boat with covering these when they were new so I’m doubling back for the sake of completion to cover them here on this website. Think of it as an excuse to put that Discovery+ subscription to good use and rewatch these old episodes. Either that or fire up the DVR because according to the BattleBots wiki these episodes aired on television too. Fancy that. I guess Hypershock & Sporkinok’s fight being cut for episode length had a legitimate reason after all.

Thus far we’ve seen Rotator take down Bronco and Skorpios demolish Icewave. Tombstone was also a bounty but when Gruff came knocking with its custom chain-cutting sword in its hand Tombstone was ready to bend that blade around and stuff it up Gruff’s ass. Tombstone defended its bounty. That means the score is 2-1 in favor of the challengers and up next in the bounty list is the pride of the United Kingdom, Beta. I can kind of see this one going to the challenger as well given John Reid’s predilection of “waiting for a good hit”. I expect to see little to no action out of that thing’s god damn hammer.

The eight challengers looking to make their way through the bounty bracket this week include some fan favorites like Lock-Jaw, Fusion, and Bloodsport. Peppered into the rest of the bracket are robots such as Axe Backwards who currently holds the BattleBots record for longest losing streak. The camera shy Rampage makes its TV debut as well, and apparently Aegis’ team were able to put their fiberglass hunk of junk back together after Fusion destroyed it in the qualifiers. I’m almost certain it’s not going to look as good as it does in its photo and being matched up against Bloodsport is basically a death sentence for it.

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LOCK-JAW vs. AXE BACKWARDS

Lock-Jaw is a shoe-in for the main BattleBots tournament. You know when this thing shows up it’s going to qualify and least make the Round of 32. Except for 2021’s season where it failed to do that, but this is 2020’s season and we’re not supposed to use our gift of foresight to say nasty things like that you dicks. In the preliminaries Lock-Jaw took out Captain Shrederator by jamming it into the screws and then went on to bend the shit out of Big Dill’s lifting spears. Lock-Jaw met its match in Jackpot though who was having a breakout rookie season and won all of its Fight Nights. Still, Lock-Jaw made it into the main tournament… only for Shatter to bring down the axe and put an end to Lock-Jaw’s 2020 attempt at the championship. The bounty here is a massive hammer stronger than Shatter’s so if Lock-Jaw looks to make it to the end it better have a plan.

Let’s talk about Axe Backwards. Specifically let’s talk about “not winning”. Lock-Jaw does its thing where it catches fire in seemingly every fight but it still sometimes toughs out a win. Axey B on the other hand? Let’s rewind to season eight, Axe Backwards’ debut season. In its last fight it scores a win against Ultimo Destructo. It returns for season nine and loses to newcomer Mammoth. Then Texas Twister. Then Marvin. Then Deep Six. That’s it for Axey B’s season. It returns this year for season ten. It loses to Malice. Then to Captain Shrederator. Then it just doesn’t get any more qualification fights. Axe Backwards is on a six fight losing streak right now, the longest of any contemporary BattleBots competitor. I’d be impressed if I wasn’t so offended. It’s not even a bad design so I don’t know what this thing’s problem is. Kurt Durjen must’ve pissed on King Tut’s tomb or something.

Axe Backwards starts the fight out spinning up its drum and literally bouncing around as it drives. Not sure if that’s part of the intended design or not but that’s probably going to be a net loss for maneuverability on this robot meanwhile Lock-Jaw has left its square and has its vertical spinner roaring. Axey B seems to not be taking this fight too seriously what with its “HI MOM” message on its front plow and that’s where Lock-Jaw focuses its initial attack. Honestly I think Lock-Jaw was just going for whatever it could hit and it just so happened to be the front wedge so whatever. Apparently there’s a flamethrower tucked inside of one of the arms of Axe Backwards because of course there’s some stupid shit like that. Lock-Jaw nails it and blasts open one of the struts supporting Axey B’s front plow and immediately fire starts spraying out of it uncontrollably. We call this “the Taco Bell shits”.

Axe Backwards gets away from the attack hobbling around as it does and you can just tell its weapon is making contact with the floor. That’s probably why it’s bouncing around so goddamned much. Lock-Jaw smells blood in the water and shreds the piece of metal protecting Axe Backwards’ left side of drive. Or maybe it’s the right side of drive. I can’t fucking tell. Anyways this is the metal strip that was previously damaged by Lock-Jaw’s first volley so it’s only a matter of time before the rest of it started getting peeled back. Lock-Jaw catches one of the tires of Axe Backwards and throws it through the air prompting the editors to plop in another “geez!” from Kenny Florian. I guess this season “geez” is the new “huge hit there” ever since I made that phrase a meme and brought it to the attention of the editors in the process. You’re welcome?

Only the right side of drive is left working on Axe Backwards and while the robot pirouettes around and starts smoking Kurt Durjen has the balls to start taunting Lock-Jaw by saying he’s got movement when Lock-Jaw doesn’t. I’m just going to assume this is him taking the piss out of this mismatch of a fight because he knows damn well Lock-Jaw is fully mobile Donald Hutson is just waiting to see if the refs are going to start counting down what’s left of Axey B. This whole time Kurt is talking shit and Donald is cool as a frozen cucumber and I guess Donald gets annoyed because he cruises his robot in and lands a surgical strike right on Axe Backwards’ functional tire killing the rest of the machine. “Now I do not have movement,” says Kurt. Nope, nor a working robot but at least this isn’t like your Texas Twister or Deep Six losses. Look on the bright side of things.

Axe Backwards falls to seven losses in a row making it the least winningest robot in contemporary BattleBots history. One win, ten losses, a 9% win rate. This showing was so bad that Axe Backwards would not be greenlit to return in the following season. Rest in pieces, Axey B. We hardly knew ya.

WINNER: Lock-Jaw, KO

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AEGIS vs. BLOODSPORT

Look at this thing. Aegis might be wheeled out on a wooden chariot but this robot looks like it got its ass kicked so hard by Fusion that it was sent back in time and became a competitor from Robot Wars series 3 or some shit. Aegis used to have curved kevlar armor all around its sides and back but Fusion destroyed it. Absolutely destroyed it. The driver is calling this “Aegis 2.0” but this looks like a substantial downgrade. Still, mad props to the team for being able to put what was left of their robot back together into something even if said “something” is just the center chassis with chunks of tires for armor on the sides. Given Aegis’ opponent for this fight I’m with Peter Abrahamson this will be a bloodbath.

Bloodsport is a bot to watch, I’ve always billed it as one ever since it wrecked Lucky last year. This year the robot showed up and was one of the few to have a perfect Fight Night record after brutal wins over Skorpios, Chronos, and even End Game. Yes, Bloodsport was the only robot to beat End Game this year on its journey to take home the Giant Nut depriving the Kiwis of a perfect season record. Bloodsport means fucking business and its blade is no joke… except for when it whacks Gruff on the ass and busts apart. But that’s why Justin Marple has multiple blades! Bloodsport is using its non-copyright infringing Batarang blade for this fight turning it mostly into a heavyweight version of former BattleBots middleweight champion Hazard. Bloodsport is out for blood, and Aegis better have a miracle in its back pocket.

Upon being placed into the arena Aegis was able to drive into the red square. It got there as slow as fucking possible but it made it to the square. When the fight starts Aegis just doesn’t move. It looks like it’s stuck in reverse gear or something because it’s backing up slightly and shaking. At least Aegis 1.0 was able to drive around, but there’s nothing left of Aegis 1.0 so this is what we get. Bloodsport gets a free hit on Aegis’ side and amazingly the tire armor holds up well enough that the whole robot doesn’t just immediately disintegrate. I was expecting something like Ziggo vs. Scrap Daddy 55 or something here. Aegis survives the hit but still isn’t moving. Bloodsport comes in and cleaves Aegis’ back “panel” off and as soon as that chunk of metal goes flying a horrible metallic grinding sound fills the arena.

The hosts and Pete start joking about brooms and shop vacs while Bloodsport just demolishes Aegis who’s now managed to at least start spinning around in place. Bloodsport hits Aegis from the back again and busts apart the rear pivot point where Aegis’ flipper meets the chassis. It’s not like we were going to see any flips from Aegis in this fight as it is but now we’re really not. The robot tries to fire its flipper to assess the damages and it’s bad; only one side of the flipper moves at all. Goes great with the only one side of drive this robot has. Aegis finally gives out because let’s be real here we saw a knock out coming a mile away in this fight. The ref counts it out and Bloodsport cashes in its free win to move on to the semifinals.

WINNER: Bloodsport, KO

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RAMPAGE vs. FUSION

Speaking of bloodbaths, here’s Rampage. Rampage looks like its team wanted to copy either Brutus or Bite Force and fucked up their notes somewhere along the line so they wound up with a two-wheeled vertical spinner that kind of looks like a D-class Bite Force except with the paint scheme of Brutus. I scored this robot an “F” in my season predictions because let’s be real here this robot looks like it’s held together with wood screws and fairy dust. It lost a fight to Black Widow, you know, the giant spider that shits out silly string that we saw Skorpios manhandle and destroy? Yeah. To say Rampage doesn’t stand a chance is stating the obvious so severely it should be criminal.

Fusion is a new robot from Team Whyachi this year debuting as a kind of phoenix rising from the ashes of failed upstart Falcon. Where Falcon had a spinning drum in the front and rear of the robot Fusion has a vertical spinning disc up front and a massive triangular spinning blade at its rear. It’s able to attack two ways depending on its opponent and up to this point we’ve never seen a weapon combo quite like this. Fusion is an interesting curiosity but it’s a little too powerful for its own good; it caught fire in its debut match with Mad Catter. Fusion fell down a peg and was scheduled to fight Aegis and is the reason why Aegis showed up to this bounty bracket looking like I built it. It was also given WAR-EZ as an opponent which it flipped over for an easy win. Fusion actually qualified for the main tournament but was met by Tantrum who popped it in the face and caused it to blow up again so that was the end of that.

Rampage’s spinning weapon gets up to speed – approximately 180 MPH – and it’s nothing to sneeze at. It looks like with a few good hits it could do some respectable damage. Unfortunately it’s fighting Fusion who’s armored like a tank and whose spinning triangle blade is allegedly able to hit like Son of Whyachi. The potential energy numbers are similar or something, fuck I don’t know. Fusion is leading with its rear blade to treat this match “like Tombstone” and the first hit sends Rampage reeling out of the way. The second hit, however, catches Rampage by its front left corner and absolutely blows the robot to pieces. Kenny says “geez” but it’s not that sound clip the editors keep dropping in.

Rampage is still in this fight though so all is not lost until two seconds later when Fusion comes in and blasts the entire side panel off of the robot taking its left drive wheel with it. Rampage isn’t even trying to spin around in place, the robot is genuinely KO’d in the corner with no hopes of coming back into the fight. Reese Ewert spins Fusion around and starts revving up his robot’s front drum for the coup de grace and delivers a shot to Rampage’s exposed left side that flips the robot over and causes some sparks to shoot out of it and leaves it for dead. Reese said he didn’t want to use the drum unless he had to. Buddy, you didn’t have to do that. But thank god you did because that was fucking awesome.

Rampage exits the bounty tournament and ends its season ten performance winless.

WINNER: Fusion, KO

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SLAMMOW vs. HIJINX

When it comes to BattleBots Slammow is the best robot Craig Danby has ever brought. This is the same guy who in seasons past showed up with Predator and Foxtrot and we all know how well those furry fandom disasters of robots went (hint: no wins). Somehow Craig swung a sponsorship with Mowbot, a company that makes autonomous lawn mowing robots, so “Slammow” is a play on words because he handed over naming rights to his team and robot. Slammow showed up and gave Pain Train some muscle by successfully suplexing it over its back and knocking the spinner out. It also KO’d WAR-EZ because WAR-EZ had no method of righting itself when flipped over. Witch Doctor busted open Slammow’s drivetrain but the robot had done well enough to advance into the tournament where Black Dragon was waiting for it so it could lunge out of nowhere and knock Craig off his stride. Hijinx is a tough opponent but it should be “snack sized” for Slammow.

Hijinx is new this season and everyone loves a big fuck off spinner. Think of this robot like a sideways Deep Six; it’s all about the blade. Much like Deep Six this robot took some time to find its place seeing as how it lost its opening fight to Claw Viper, but Hijinx rebounded with a win over Tracer by somehow flipping it over and then moved on to snipe the legs out from underneath Chomp. Hijinx took a shot to the noggin in the process but it looks like no major damage was sustained. Much like Slammow this winning record also put Hijinx through to the main tournament where, again much like Slammow, it lost in its opening round. Uppercut called its shot and sank Hijinx behind the inner glass of the arena for a quick and dirty knock out that sent Hijinx packing.

Before the fight Hijinx’s Jen Herchenroeder said she could see a shadow under Slammow’s front plow meaning there’s ground clearance there and that Hijinx’s own rear tail fin should be able to abuse that oversight. Incredibly she’s not wrong because Slammow goes for the box rush and Hijinx is able to stab that teeny little wedge under Slammow’s front end and high center the entire bot. This buys Hijinx some valuable spin up time but nothing really becomes of this maneuver since Slammow falls off to the side and all of Hijinx’s pent up energy gets wasted on Slammow’s plow anyways. Lightning doesn’t strike once but twice as Slammow rides up onto the owl’s ass again to get some tail except this time Hijinx floors it in reverse to take Slammow into the wall and also uses its blade to take out some early frustrations on the screw box. What did those hazards ever do to you?

Slammow starts to turn the fight around by using its plow to nudge Hijinx into the corner and it just so happens we’re in luck because this is where one of Slammow’s Pulverizers are so finally we can see these stupid hazards in operation. The hammer comes down on Hijinx just as the robot is shoved into the corner and Slammow grabs onto its ass and throws the bird over its back. The big question here is “now what” because in this orientation Hijinx is at the perfect height to use its helicopter blade to kink Slammow’s grappling arms instead of having that blade be deflected and slowed down by the plow. Slammow tries using the screws and the wall to stop the blade but you can visibly see Slammow’s arms taking hits from Hijinx’s blade and if history has taught us anything it’s that those arms hate getting debris and shit jammed in them and they also don’t like being touched by anything because they might as well be made out of fucking glass.

A few light blows are thrown here and two things become apparent: Hijinx has its left wheel seize up completely and Slammow shits out its left drive chain. Both robots are now handicapped in the ring but the difference is Hijinx can still scoot around and crabwalk. Craig Danby says that’s not movement and he’s obviously waiting for a countdown presumably because he just saw the chain come out of his robot and he knows he’s just as fucked. Crabwalking sucks and the rules governing it suck even more dick but I’ll be damned if Orion Beach isn’t doing a good job of maneuvering Hijinx over toward Slammow to presumably try and land another hit to stay in the game. Slammow’s shed a side of drive as well but it’s not going anywhere. The ref starts a countdown and it’s for Slammow.

I think this count out is minorly controversial but I’m not going to make that big of a deal about it. Hijinx was moving outside of its own circumference and if it’s good enough for Robot Wars then it’s good enough for me.

WINNER: Hijinx, KO

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LOCK-JAW vs. FUSION

Coming into the semifinals we’ve got two robots who won their starting rounds with brutal KO’s. Lock-Jaw tore into Axe Backwards so badly that Axe Backwards set a new BattleBots record for longest losing streak. (Fun fact: The robot second in line for losing streaks is Bronco at six losses in a row. Yes, Bronco.) Axe Backwards lost so hard that it straight up never came back. Fusion was given the hilarious mismatch of Rampage and we bore witness to what happens when something overengineered in CAD fights something where CAD wasn’t even an afterthought; Rampage died a thousand deaths over the course of about twenty seconds and I was correct in my prediction that its side panels would just pop right off. Lock-Jaw comes into this match with a specialized plow and the knowledge that Fusion can’t reliably spin both of its weapons simultaneously. Will this pay off, or will Lock-Jaw’s wheels get shredded by the Triangle of Pain?

Surprisingly Fusion leads in with both of its weapons spinning at the same time. We know this usually ends in disaster but I guess when your opponent is Lock-Jaw you really can’t afford to not just put everything on the line. Fusion’s rear blade gets going faster than its drum, something that checks out with the “tale of the tape” graphic we saw before the fight, and Lock-Jaw gets to work trying to shove Fusion around with its angled plow thing. When that doesn’t seem to be getting the purchase Donald Hutson was hoping for he just says “fuck it”, spins around, and starts slashing at Fusion’s face. Lock-Jaw gets the upper hand and starts nudging Fusion across the floor until Fusion is slammed into the screws at which point thick white battery smoke starts coming out from the robot’s lid. So far, so Fusion. God damn it.

The slam into the wall seems to have also popped a weapon belt off of Fusion’s rear spinner though given the smoke I don’t think we’re going to see much action from either weapon anymore. The robot can still drive around so that smoke was definitely something weapon-related shitting the bed and Reese Ewert knows not to try and turn the weapons on again lest he risks Chernobyl’ing his entire fucking machine. Chris Rose is right on schedule with saying Fusion needs to “break Lock-Jaw’s weapon” now that its own firepower has been disabled. This shit’s like clockwork. Fusion takes more hits to the face and side and I’ve gotta give credit where due it seems like Fusion is able to take these hits relatively well? The graphic shown before the fight said Fusion has 100 pounds of armor and that’s a lot for something so small with not one but two weapons; Fusion is basically a middleweight wearing a big ass suit of armor, kind of like Gemini except almost not as bad.

Fusion sustains a few more shots before Reese realizes he’s just going to spend two more minutes dealing with this shit so he tries to fire up Fusion’s horizontal spinner. This goes about as well as you’d expect and a brief flicker of flame erupts out of the robot before it starts smoking again now completely dead. I suppose this was the end we were inevitably marching toward; Fusion is a robot that will gladly decimate bottom tier bots that are fed to it but when veterans or breakout rookies are thrown into the fray this machine just crumbles at their power. Perhaps someday Fusion will bloom into a robot to be feared but as it stands right now it’s just free points as long as you’re able to last a couple of hits until it cooks itself like a turkey.

WINNER: Lock-Jaw, KO

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BLOODSPORT vs. HIJINX

In Bloodsport’s first fight with Aegis, which was a total gimmie, the robot was seen sporting a stout shorter blade that carries with it more potential energy because of its shorter length. Bloodsport is using that same blade for this fight and I’ve gotta say I’m not on board with the plan; Hijinx has a massive fucking blade and this fight will be won (and lost) by reach. If Bloodsport wants to stand a better chance at being able to do something like snipe one of Hijinx’s wheels it should’ve gone with the thinner but longer blade. Also shoutouts to the guy on Bloodsport’s team whose wearing a jacket but also shorts. If you’re chilly dude just put some fucking pants on. Hijinx is here after a win over Slammow where a few choice hits left both robots stumbling around the Battlebox but Hijinx was the better stumbler. Both lost a side of drive but Hijinx was able to swing around and cover more ground. Hopefully “losing a side of drive” isn’t a bad premonition though.

As you might imagine in a battle with two spinners each of them are going to take their time engaging so that their weapons can get dialed in first. It’s hard to say who has the faster spin up time but after a few seconds Bloodsport tries to break the silence and you can see Hijinx’s reach advantage coming into play because although Bloodsport’s weapon is going it’s landing fuck all in the way of hits instead Hijinx is scraping up Bloodsport’s front plow attachment until the robot gets shunted into the screws. This hit stalls out Hijinx’s blade and allows Bloodsport to come in and when it does the spinner narrowly misses Hijinx’s wheels and instead hits the robot’s backside. Bloodsport stays on Hijinx before either robot can get spinning again and shoves it into the corner for some control points in case this goes the distance.

The bots separate and spin back up with Hijinx taking another shot to its ass from Bloodsport that spins it around 90 degrees and opens up its left wheel to attack. Bloodsport’s weapon is not running at full blast because it just dealt a blow but it’s able to still visibly dig into Hijinx’s wheel and fuck up the tread on it. Hijinx gets away and Bloodsport revs back up only to deliver what looks like another blow to that same tire though it doesn’t seem like any damage is done. Even worse for Hijinx though is that its right side of drive appears to have just gone out on its own. This isn’t the same side of drive from the Slammow fight so it’s not like this is a bodge job of a repair this could just be overlooked damage or maybe the shock from getting whacked by Bloodsport’s big spinning wiener was transmitted through the robot and the right drive motor didn’t survive.

Bloodsport has its blade going and looks like it’s waiting for a count out or an opportunity to land a shot because Hijinx’s weapon is also still functional and that poses an active threat to Bloodsport. Bloodsport still goes in for the kill and strikes Hijinx right on its surviving tire making another slice in it but not ripping it off wholesale. Hijinx’s tires are held on a lot better than I’ve given them credit for. Hijinx has gone back to crabwalking and scooting around which confuses the Bloodsport team because they’re waiting for a countout but none is coming. With no one willing to make a ruling on crabwalking Bloodsport slams into Hijinx and the top “HIJINX” panel pops loose from the robot’s lid very nearly taking the upper piece of armor with it. At first I thought the piece that came off was Hijinx’s fucking face but nah the hit’s not that cool. Whatever damage was done with this blow was enough to kill Hijinx completely so there’s your ruling on what “knocked out” means.

Also as an aside to avoid situations where if you aren’t sure if your opponent is going to be counted out or not just beat the shit out of them until they quit working; that’ll solve that problem real quick.

WINNER: Bloodsport, KO

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BLOODSPORT vs. LOCK-JAW

Bold of Faruq to introduce Lock-Jaw with an elaborate Hillary Clinton reference. I’m not going to bitch and moan and make a big deal out of this but I think we’d all be just a little bit better off if the writers kept their politics out of BattleBots. We get it, Hillary Clinton is an unlikable cunt. So was your guy though. Anyways Lock-Jaw has reached this bounty bracket final after exterminating Axe Backwards and Fusion sending them both to fiery graves. It’s not an issue but it’s weird that it’s happened twice. Bloodsport on the other hand was served Aegis on a silver platter; that thing didn’t even fucking move when the fight started. Bloodsport had more of an uphill battle with Hijinx but it was still an easy-looking win thanks to Bloodsport’s big ass plow. Speaking of, Lock-Jaw’s sporting one of those for this fight. Let’s see what happens when the Uno reversal card is played on Bloodsport.

Lock-Jaw starts the battle defensively seeing as how on either side of it are some big ass wheels that Bloodsport could very easily chew through or twist up. That triangular plow is put to good use though as with the first exchange between these two bots Bloodsport is sent hurtling through the air and immediately sheds both of its front wedgelets. Not sure what they keep attaching those fucking things on with but whatever it is isn’t fucking working. I’ll give Bloodsport’s team a pass this season because the wedgelets are new to the design. Strangely Bloodsport is still using its short bar even when its longer one might’ve been able to reach around Lock-Jaw’s rear plow to at least attack the back tires of Lock-Jaw. This whole time Lock-Jaw’s spinner has been idling at a lower speed to not have that “gyro” effect on the robot’s drive but now with Bloodsport’s spinner seeming to be out of steam Donald signals to his co-driver that it’s time to unleash the fury.

Lock-Jaw spins around and starts attacking Bloodsport now landing a couple of respectable hits that are sure to favor it with the judges. Then there’s the big hit, the one where you can hear the echoes of clanging metal falling around the arena; Lock-Jaw whacks Bloodsport so hard on the tip of its blade that Bloodsport’s weapon gives and the end of the weapon shears off. That’s twice that’s happened this season except unlike last time around I don’t think Bloodsport is going to win the ensuing shoving match not when its opponent is Lock-Jaw. That’s Bloodsport’s weapon out of commission. Chris Rose starts a line of commentary with “I wonder if Lock-Jaw can get at the right angle” and before he can finish that thought Lock-Jaw cuts him off with a blow that sends Bloodsport doing a triple fucking backflip. Yes Chris, Lock-Jaw can get at the right angle.

Bloodsport recovers poorly from this hit as it shreds the rubber of its back right tire and the whole thing splits open. The robot starts trying to spin its blade up despite the imbalance and it convulses and shakes around the arena. Lock-Jaw reverts back to using its plow because even in its broken state Bloodsport’s blade can still damage the robot; the belt cover of Lock-Jaw’s weapon is slightly twisted out of place and it wasn’t like that to start with. Bloodsport hits Lock-Jaw’s ass and the sloped sides of the plow pay off because Bloodsport destabilizes completely and flips over. On a good day the robot can self right from this position but needless to say this is not a good fucking day for Bloodsport. It’s resting on its cracked half of its blade and you can see the robot trying to turn itself over ever so slowly and like starting a shitty lawnmower it takes a few tries but the robot finally stumbles back down onto its three remaining wheels.

Kenny ponders if Lock-Jaw waiting for Bloodsport to tip back over was a bad move. Kenny, what in the fucking world is Bloodsport going to do to Lock-Jaw? Barring Lock-Jaw having another moment where fire just spontaneously erupts out of its goddamned face I can’t see a scenario where Bloodsport walks away the winner in this battle. Chris Rose tries to hype up the final ten seconds of this fight thinking Bloodsport might be able to spin up and land one last blow. Instead Lock-Jaw comes in and chips off the splinter from Bloodsport’s already damaged blade. Smooth move, maximum disrespect.

This is the first fight of the evening to go to the judges but thankfully they don’t have a whole lot of deliberation to do. Lock-Jaw dominated the fight from the start and their verdict reflects that.

WINNER: Lock-Jaw, Judges’ Decision (3-0)

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BOUNTY MATCH
BETA vs. LOCK-JAW

Beta is finally here and despite seeing it with a wedge in all of its promo shots and B-roll when the robot shows up in the entrance tunnel it’s wearing its “ugly armor” configuration specifically meant for vertical spinners. You know, the same configuration that was totally the right move against Ribbot earlier in the season. But I guess that’s what John Reid was forced to do considering Lock-Jaw has some floor scrapers of its own that would’ve definitely defeated a wedge on Beta’s front end and allowed the robot’s spinner to chew it up. So far the deck is already stacked in Lock-Jaw’s favor and the fight hasn’t even fucking started yet. Lock-Jaw’s taking this seriously nonetheless though as it’s equipped with special armor of its own in the form of what looks like a solid inch of polycarbonate plastic to hopefully deflect Beta’s anal dilator.

At the start of the fight both robots become mobile and Lock-Jaw starts spinning its weapon up to speed. If you listen closely you can hear a faint “hit ’em John” from the sparse audience. Yeah, remember though he has to wait for that “good hit”. Beta locks heads with Lock-Jaw a couple of times and it seems like the new front angled bits of Beta’s armor are allowing Lock-Jaw’s spinner to thread between them without hitting the robot so I guess the team polished this turd until it shined. So far I’ve counted two times where Beta could fire its hammer and land a shot but I’m assuming it’s a “bad hit” because John would risk throwing the hammer down somewhere onto Lock-Jaw’s weaponry and this would in theory damage the hammer. I mean when you’re throwing around enough force to equal a washing machine dropped from 16 fucking feet maybe you should also throw caution to the wind and just let loose? You might cause such a shock to the spinner that its belt blows the fuck up? No? Okay, your fucking loss then.

Lock-Jaw performs a volley of attacks that flips Beta over and back onto its wheels. A piece of Beta also falls loose but I have no idea what it is. Beta finally swings its hammer and its a miss, but it would’ve been a good hit had it landed surely. Either that or Beta wanted to play Whack-A-Mole with the little ramrods that pop up from the floor. Lock-Jaw lands another shot that sends Beta reeling before landing another that very nearly rolls the mighty hammerbot onto its lid. This whole time Beta still hasn’t fired its weapon again. Lock-Jaw sidelines Beta and the robot does a perfect twist through the air. Beta is actually dead now because its hammer has been kicked back and off of the toothed piston that drives it. Lock-Jaw could back away right now and take a knock out victory but Lock-Jaw didn’t come this far just to hit Beta like twice and win some money. This is a fucking bounty fight and Lock-Jaw’s going to earn every goddamned cent in that prize pouch.

Beta gets rolled back over with a massive shot that breaks off part of the BattleBots sign in the arena because yeah this is one of “those” kinds of fights. Beta’s drive is starting to look a little damaged because the robot is swaying around as it moves almost like it has two wheels on one side and only one on the other. Chris Rose keeps asking about the hammer and Kenny finally chimes in about John being weary of dropping it onto Lock-Jaw’s spinner. I answered that for you like 17 minutes ago you chucklefucks. Beta can probably hear the commentators because it goes for a swing and it’s another miss. Lock-Jaw responds with another hit that tips Beta up and over this time onto its side. Beta gets knocked onto its lid and now its weapon should in theory be able to self right the robot because it’s not kicked out of the way of the sprocket piston but for whatever reason it’s not firing. There’s also some parts and shit visibly hanging slack from Beta as it’s upside down so chances are all these attacks from Lock-Jaw have taken their collective toll.

Lock-Jaw lets the countdown happen this time and Donald Hutson gets not only a sweet BattleBots “WINNER” pog but also joins Rotator and Skorpios, but not Gruff, for a piece of that sweet bounty hunter pie.

WINNER: Lock-Jaw, KO

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You know now that I think of it how come Lock-Jaw wasn’t the bounty for this episode instead of Beta? At the beginning of the article I expressed my doubts that Beta was worthy of being a bounty and this is kind of why. I’m surprised the hammer was even thrown twice because it’s a fucking meme in the robot combat community that John Reid has to wait for a good hit and thus he never fucking fires off his weapon sometimes even telling his co-driver to stop firing the weapon entirely because they’ve missed so many times. Lock-Jaw can be hit or miss but the show loves to hype up how Donald Hutson has six Giant Nuts (two championships, two rumble wins, and two “coolest design” awards) as well as being a Desperado winner. Lock-Jaw would’ve been right at home as a bounty and seeing as how it won this episode’s bounty tournament is only further proof that my opinions are actually facts.

There are still two more bounties floating around out there: Witch Doctor and Son of Whyachi. We’ll be finding out next time whether Witch Doctor can defend its honor because of course they’re saving Son of Whyachi for last. Witch Doctor was a runner up in 2019 losing out to Bite Force and it’s a robot that has only gotten better with age so this could prove to be an interesting bounty battle. It’s all going to depend upon who’s in the bracket though. I’ve gotta say I’m amused with all of these unknown and camera shy robots coming out of the woodwork to participate in these events like Aegis and Rampage though. More of this, please.

That’s going to do it for BattleBots Update this week! If you’d like to support this project you can do so with a monthly pledge on Patreon or a one-time donation with Ko-Fi. You can also pick up stickers from Redbubble, and be sure to follow BattleBots Update on Facebook for everything else!

See you next week!

– Draco