BattleBots: S12 E19

Well, here we are. The past 18 episodes have all led up to this point, a tournament culmination in the 19th episode that mostly leaves me wondering how come there’s not an even 20 episodes in the season. My self-diagnosed OCD will never stand for this. Honestly? I’m chugging into this station on fumes so I’m ready to crown a champion and then taken a fucking break. I’ve got other projects to work on that have been on hold because I’ve been working on BattleBots Update and it’s time for them to shine too. Such is the life of a “content creator”, always working on the next best thing that nobody will read or see or play or watch!

We started with 50 robots and from there only 32 were destined to qualify for the main tournament. In the Round of 32 that was cut to 16, and then again to just 8 which is where we are now. All four top seeds are still in the tournament. In fact everyone left is a top 10 or better with the exception of Ribbot clocking in at #28. Sawblaze will get a rematch with Minotaur to see if it can make lightning strike twice. Hydra rematches with Ribbot to see if it can double down and beat the frog again. Witch Doctor will face the monstrous Huge. Finally the nefarious Riptide battles Copperhead in a drum-to-drum war. I don’t know who’s in the later fights this episode because we have to get through the quarterfinals first!

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QUARTERFINALS
SAWBLAZE (8) vs. MINOTAUR (1)

This season has really been a tournament of rematches, hasn’t it? Lots of second chances and opportunities for revenge but also lots of pressure for the winners of these previous fights to perform exactly as they did last time and win again. Such is the case with Sawblaze who defeated Minotaur last season by slicing into its underside, hitting the batteries, and lighting Minotaur up. Jamison Go knows where the batteries are located he just needs to strike them again. With how much Minotaur gyros and twitches around can he do it a second time? As the 8th seed Sawblaze fought 25th seed Blip in round one and turned Blip’s face into chopped liver. Monsoon, 24th, was next and Sawblaze was able to disable Monsoon’s spinner and leave it tilted on its side. No more easy seeds though because now Sawblaze has run into the #1 overall seeded robot. This won’t be easy.

Sawblaze might be ranked a respectable 8th place but Minotaur is the heavy gunner here clocking in at the top of the charts, a first for its BattleBots career. Up to this point Minotaur is undefeated this year and is in top form to win the Giant Nut however it’s now reached a point in the tournament where the heat is really on; Minotaur lost to Sawblaze last year so the #1 seed title is nice and all but if Minotaur fucks up like it did last time that 1st place seeding won’t amount to shit this year. You’d think Minotaur has had an easy road to get here what with being paired up with the #32 seed in the Round of 32 but you’d be wrong; Fusion put up a solid fight for about ten seconds and then it caught fire and died, but in those ten seconds it was winning exchanges with Minotaur! Likewise Malice came into battle with its oft unseen big red disc and was landing huge hits until Minotaur was able to whip around and bust its tooth off. Those fights were surprise uphill battles, this one will just straight up be hard as hell.

Sawblaze starts the fight charging at Minotaur who needs to hang back for a couple of seconds to spin its drum up. Sawblaze jams one of its long forks directly into Minotaur’s throat and causes the robot to bounce up and rebound backwards. Minotaur recovers and attempts to speed away from Sawblaze but the dragon is on the chase and scoops up Minotaur to deliver it into the wall and line it up for a chop. Sawblaze fires off its hammer saw and its dragon-shaped disc digs into Minotaur’s lid. It doesn’t appear to slice through the armor however as Minotaur has thicker armor on its top than it does its bottom so the clean slices we saw last season won’t happen again unless Sawblaze can get a low blow. Minotaur recovers and pops Sawblaze on its forks a couple of times giving it some distance as well as some solid hits to score some early points.

Sawblaze is a patient killer though and it stays the course until it sweeps up Minotaur again and rams it straight into one of the spires of the Upper Deck. The force of impact flips Minotaur over and it lands directly down onto Sawblaze’s forks. Daniel Freitas is shitting his pants right now because this is exactly what happened last time these two bots met. Sawblaze gets trigger happy and misses a swing but it retracts and sets up another hit, lets loose, and carves a fucking divot into Minotaur’s ass. This time the blade hits the lighter armor of Minotaur’s underside and slices right through it. Minotaur gets away and gyros back over and so far things are looking good, nothing major was hit by Sawblaze. That’s until Minotaur gets shoved into the wall and rips a fart that gets a little too spicy. Smoke starts coming out of the robot’s ass and no more than 10 seconds later does this turn into a full on blaze shooting out of Minotaur’s asshole. Minotaur seems to still be fully functional but a time limit has now been placed on it until that fire consumes something important or the batteries just die out completely.

I cannot believe Sawblaze did the same shit twice in two years. How can you even be that accurate when these robots are driving and flying all over the place? Minotaur might be on fire but it’s still a threat and manages to strike Sawblaze’s hammer saw disc with its drum kicking it forward and causing it to forcefully reset. For now Sawblaze’s weapon looks unharmed but I’ve noticed the robot is distinctly more shy to fire now that Minotaur is going full apeshit mode. Sawblaze sticks to ramming Minotaur into the shelf again where it flips over and exposes its belly pan a second time. Rather than chance another shot Sawblaze hangs back and lets Minotaur flip itself back over. Sawblaze dutifully scoops the robot back up and takes it across the box into the other wall and as Minotaur bounces out of Sawblaze’s dustpan it lands a hit that flips Sawblaze over and again strikes its weapon arm.

Sawblaze rights itself but Minotaur isn’t going to die without a fight this time. It’s gone berserker. Minotaur loses its shit and starts circling Sawblaze landing whatever hits it can get and Sawblaze seems unable to deal with the flurry of blows. Sawblaze is knocked onto its lid again and hastily tries to right itself but winds up flopping around until Minotaur blasts its weapon arm yet again and tears off the strut that keeps Sawblaze’s disc from hitting the ground when retracted. Sawblaze’s disc starts dragging across the floor and it appears to also be bent on its axle. That thing is fucking dead. Minotaur might be on fire (still, Jesus fuck) but Sawblaze has lost its weapon while Minotaur is still fully functional. It’s easy to write this off and say “that doesn’t matter Sawblaze has already won” but might I remind you of the time Ribbot lit Black Dragon up and Black Dragon burned for two minutes and still won on decision? Disabling your opponents weapon is big points with the judges and right now Sawblaze is fucked.

Minotaur is getting pushed around but it’s lading tons of passive shots one of which warps Sawblaze’s right fork and curves it inward. Minotaur gets away and knocks Sawblaze into the air and had the flexing mechanism for Sawblaze’s dead hammer saw been taken out this could’ve been the match but Sawblaze is able to work its weapon arm to roll back onto its wheels and stay in the fight. Sawblaze responds by hail mary’ing Minotaur into the blue square screws. It appears something else goes up inside the robot because now there’s thick gray smoke coming out of virtually every goddamned screw hole on the robot’s lid including the slot where the power switch is. Minotaur falls off the screws completely motionless. It took over half the fucking fight but the internal fire in Minotaur finally reached something critical and the #1 seed is out. “Oh my goodness,” says Jamison. If this were a Riptide fight we’d be hearing a sustained six second censor beep.

WINNER: Sawblaze, KO

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QUARTERFINALS
HUGE (6) vs. WITCH DOCTOR (3)

The tournament has… not gone as I expected, to say the least. That said this next fight is actually one I predicted and I pegged Witch Doctor as the potential winner here. After Huge thrashed Mad Catter though I think I’d like to change my vote! Huge is undefeated this season. After debuting in World Championship III this robot has always been rumored to be a “meta breaker” but the fucking thing never gets a chance to show that in any capacity because the “selection committee” is too busy making this robot fight shit like Deep Six and Starchild. Jonathan Schultz is beyond confident that he can not only defeat Witch Doctor but do it by relatively fast KO. Huge has shown that it’s one of the frontrunners of the season though with a brutal KO over Skorpios and a decision win over the previously mentioned Mad Catter. Huge’s only real Achilles’ heel is the fact that its weapon seems to only be selectively active. Jonathan can’t afford to fuck around with his weapon in this fight as Witch Doctor’s spinner is easily twice (or thrice?) that of Mad Catter.

With a staggering 37-14 career record Witch Doctor enters the quarterfinals as the #3 seeded robot. You might think that because Witch Doctor is ranked slightly higher than Huge that it too is undefeated but you’d be wrong about that; Witch Doctor has one loss this season to Minotaur in the qualifiers. It’s just ranked higher because that’s what the “selection committee” said so there’s no arguing that point. It’s all shit that’s made up for TV and drama. Just enjoy the bot fights and don’t think too much about it or you’ll get pissed off. Witch Doctor has a new weapon system this year and Andrea and Mike Gellatly have been nervous to run it at 100% because they just don’t know what will happen and now’s not the time to be taking stupid risks. So far running it at 50% and 75% has proven effective as the robot has back to back KO wins in the tournament over Jackpot and Lock-Jaw where in each fight one well-placed kill shot completely fucking wrecked the chassis of their opponents.

Witch Doctor spins up but seems to have no real plan of attack for Huge as it just sort of hangs back and allows Huge to come over to its side of the box. Witch Doctor maneuvers around Huge and looks to try and be going for either a back attack or the wheels but Huge turns to face Witch Doctor and the robots meet head on. Huge’s massive cleaver hits Witch Doctor’s weapon hub and pops a belt off of it right away. Witch Doctor has two belts running its weapon so now it should be running at 50% or whatever half of the percentage the team has the disc running at is. I don’t fucking know I don’t write this blog to do math, piss off. This hit may have actually kinked Witch Doctor’s weapon because as it pulls away from Huge a cloud of white friction smoke emits from the top of the robot signaling that its one good belt might be getting burned up by the pulley on the motor. Witch Doctor is weaponless after one fucking hit. This is why I wanted to change my prediction coming into this fight.

Witch Doctor starts intentionally driving into Huge to try and get behind its wheels and shove it around. Before the fight Mike mentioned the screws and Pulverizers as potential things to get Huge snagged on so the goal here is clear. Then again he also said he wanted to chew up Huge’s wheels and we all know how well that plan is going. Huge is clearly trying to land hits on Witch Doctor but Witch Doctor is too maneuverable and keeps evading attack. Huge eventually gets a hit on Witch Doctor’s right side that peels up the rib cage armor and also completely fucking warps the part of the purple armor underneath that protects Witch Doctor’s drive chains. Witch Doctor recovers from the hit and tries to line up a solid ram but the only “solid” thing here is the hit Huge lands to Witch Doctor’s damaged rib cage. This thing gets blown the fuck off and I’m surprised it doesn’t hit a goddamned light or something in the ceiling. As the armor panel is torn off Witch Doctor’s srimech is also violently whipped backwards stripping the chain off of its sprocket in the process.

Despite literally falling apart Witch Doctor refuses to back down and keeps throwing itself at Huge in the hopes that it can corral it around and get it stuck on the wall or something. I’d be impressed if it all weren’t so futile. Huge clips Witch Doctor’s other rib cage panel and warps it upward meaning we could be on track to see a naked Witch Doctor for the first time ever. There’s about 90 seconds left in the fight and Huge’s weapon appears to be slowing down and not hitting as hard anymore and I guess that’s Jonathan hedging his bets that he’s won this fight and doesn’t want to inadvertently fuck his weapon up and give Witch Doctor massive damage points with the judges. So much for that whole “quick KO” thing. Witch Doctor pretty much stays glued to Huge’s wheels this entire time and its doing a respectable job pushing Huge around but it’s unable to get it stuck on any of the hazards or the wall so it’s not earning as many control points as I’m sure the team is banking on.

The clock runs down on this fight and based on damage alone Huge has this fight in the bag. The judges agree and send Huge on to the semifinals!

WINNER: Huge, Judges’ Decision (3-0)

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QUARTERFINALS
RIBBOT (28) vs. HYDRA (4)

Normally I’d say Hydra has nothing to worry about in this fight – after all, I have Hydra selected to be the winner of this season – but we’ve seen two fights so far and in both of them the top seeds have fallen. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. In this rematch of last year’s slightly controversial Round of 32 battle Ribbot has opted to swap weapons and its now going with its vertical spinner something Jake Ewert was anticipating based upon how easily Hydra dominated Ribbot when it used its horizontal spinner last season. Ribbot’s also running long forks and has an uneven number of them which pisses off my self-diagnosed OCD. Ribbot had an iffy season start but it’s turned its favor around now that the tournament is underway. In its first round it took down the 5th seed Quantum and after that it managed to become the second robot to ever knock out Black Dragon. Ribbot might not be the premiere vertical spinner but underestimating it is a recipe for disaster.

“I’ve got to be perfect the entire fight, they just need that one time,” says Jake about this fight. He’s not wrong, as long as Ribbot’s spinner is fired up it poses a significant threat to Hydra whose armor isn’t the toughest out there. Deathroll was being tossed all over the fucking place in Hydra’s previous fight but all it took was that one opportunity where Deathroll sank its disc into Hydra’s front corner and suddenly the fight turned on its head. Ribbot can just as easily do that. Jake says this is the same Hydra as last season. I believe it, it looks like it’s the same fucking robot. He didn’t even fix the paint. On the subject of Deathroll however Hydra did obviously win the fight and in the Round of 16 it rematched with Whiplash and was able to turn the tables and win by KO. With Tantrum out of the tournament who’s left who can still beat Hydra?

I don’t usually jump ahead in fights but I’ve got a hoagie with my name on it so I’m going to get through this one as quickly as possible. Hydra and Ribbot are both equipped with ground-scraping forks on their front end and neither robot wants to charge head first into its opponent because neither David nor Jake are fully confident they’ll win the ground game. If David loses then Ribbot gets sent flying into the air. If Jake loses then Hydra’s flipping spatula probably gets busted off. What winds up happening is a tense standoff that lasts for over a fucking minute where neither robot is backing down from facing its opponent. It’s literally just a straight up dead heat lock. Ribbot inches into Hydra’s face and Hydra fires its flipper. Ribbot backs away and tries to lunge forward to hit the flipping arm but much like the Hydra/Whiplash fight last week Hydra resets too quickly for that attack to be viable.

Hydra eventually falters and nudges a little too sharply to one side exposing its left corner to Ribbot. Half the goddamned fight is already over so Ribbot takes the shot and bangs up Hydra’s piano key wedgelets. This is pretty much where Deathroll sank its disc into Hydra too and that hit resulted in a crippled drivetrain and sure enough that appears to be the case here. Jake wasn’t perfect the whole time, Ribbot got that one opening. Ribbot is able to now get all the way around to Hydra’s ass and pop its back corner before landing another shot to its left side. Hydra spins out but seems to be completely out of control. Ribbot cruises around to Hydra’s right side to make the damage even and blasts the flipper hard enough to slice through its armor and fuck up the wheel directly behind it. Ribbot makes up for lost time and pummels Hydra railing it from the side and bends the axle of its back left wheel and causes a drive chain to pop out of god knows where.

Now I can eat my hoagie.

WINNER: Ribbot, KO

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QUARTERFINALS
COPPERHEAD (10) vs. RIPTIDE (2)

Oh boy, this is going to be a fucking nightmare of collisions between two of the most powerful drum spinners in BattleBots today. Luke Quintal is so confident going into this fight he must know something we don’t and I’m not just talking about the elephant in the room with Riptide’s driver. He’s genuinely in full belief that Copperhead will deliver the hits and fuck up Riptide. Honestly? I’m here for it. Everyone else has been cowering in fear regarding Riptide but Luke thinks he has the biggest dick and he’s not scared to show it. Damn. Copperhead almost went undefeated in the qualifiers but flubbed at the last minute which is why it’s only seeded 10th. Still, it defeated Rotator in the Round of 32 and stepped up to the plate to absolutely eradicate End Game in the following round. Maybe that’s why Luke thinks he has this in the bag, he’s still high on taking down the former champion.

Earlier in the episode “the Riptide drama” persisted when we found out Ethan Kurtz is out of the picture. No, he wasn’t reprimanded for acting like a fool, he actually contracted COVID and was placed into quarantine. How truly ironic. This is some primo shit right here and I haven’t even give you the how’s and why’s yet. Anyways the remaining Riptide team members got together to pick a new driver and they settled on Felix Jing who has experience running robots in Vex Robotics championships. It’s not a combat setting but the team is hoping his skills will transfer over to BattleBots. Before the fight Felix delivers his interview and caps it off with an enthusiastic and genuine “let’s go”. Not a fratboy “let’s go” but a sincere and slightly subdued one. Can we just make this guy the new Riptide driver permanently? He seems chill.

You can see the difference in Felix and Ethan’s driving skills right away because Riptide charges out and pretty much does the exact same stupid shit that Hypershock did before Riptide threw it into the fucking roof. Riptide floors it and drifts straight into Copperhead’s drum, though the drum wasn’t spinning fast enough to deliver a hit. Copperhead pivots into Riptide’s drum and hits it weapon-to-weapon and the resulting kickback sends the snake spinning through the air and onto the Upper Deck. Rather than duck into the short corner where Copperhead is most likely to get down Riptide just kind of hangs out in front of the hazard and allows Copperhead an opening to get off the hazard and flip back over. Riptide eventually charges in and starts delivering hits but in Felix’s inexperience he gets too antsy and stays too close to Copperhead; as Copperhead tumbles back down toward the floor its drum strikes Riptide’s at just the right angle to split the fucking thing in half.

Kenny Florian remembers all the times he used to say “huge hit there” and lets one fly. I’ll allow it because this hit was fucking massive. Riptide backs out into the arena while Copperhead gives chase with its own drum still revving up to top speed. Copperhead locks heads with Riptide and starts shaving steel sparks off of Riptide’s face but Riptide also mashes on the gas to push against Copperhead. Riptide is able to hold its own and even push Copperhead around so if Riptide wants to win this fight it’ll have to be on control because we just saw this same shit happen to Witch Doctor and that robot was completely fucked without an active weapon. Riptide is able to ram Copperhead into the wall but gets caught at a weird angle and the kickback from Copperhead rolls Riptide onto its back.

Riptide can drive upside down but only its back wheels are touching the ground meaning its torque has been cut in half. The robot still comes after Copperhead but now Copperhead is able to kick Riptide up into the air and get underneath it to take it into the wall itself. Copperhead also plucks off one of the bunny ears next to Riptide’s drum; these help brace the robot against the ground and now with one of them missing Riptide is leaning at a cockeyed angle and only one of its back wheels are on the ground. Riptide is just irredeemably fucked right now and taking all the punishment Copperhead is dishing out. Copperhead manages to hit Riptide’s dead drum and bust a whole ass piece of it off just to further add insult to injury. Copperhead lands a hit that launches Riptide into the air and apparently there was some damage done to Copperhead after all because the downward force Copperhead sustained from delivering the hit causes its right wheel to just pop off. Fucking hell Copperhead you’re this close to taking down the unstoppable Riptide don’t fuck this up now.

Riptide goes back on the attack shoving Copperhead around and manages to nudge it into the screws toward the end of the fight. I guess because Copperhead isn’t riding evenly on the floor it’s not able to stick its drum out there and land a hit because even though Copperhead’s drum is going it’s not getting any purchase on Riptide. Copperhead survives until the buzzer and the judges have their work cut out for them because this fight started out strong for Copperhead but turned into a real shit show in the final minute. It’s a split… but ultimately the winner is determined to be Copperhead because against everything else disabling an active weapon is worth more points to the judges than partially disabling a drive system. It’s in the rules, read them sometime.

After the fight they record interviews with both teams. Usually you only see the winning team’s segment but this time they show both, though they didn’t show the full interview. Ethan is with the team via FaceTime by way of an iPad that’s been duct taped onto a stick. Chris and Kenny actually talked to Ethan after the fight and the one thing I remember Ethan saying was “we would have won if I were driving”. Yeah dude don’t thank Felix for taking over or compliment him on doing a good job staying in the for the full fight. Just say you would’ve won if you were driving. I said it’s “ironic” that Ethan came down with COVID and it really is, his father Stan is a fucking anti-vaxxer so you know they didn’t get “the jab” and lo and fucking behold that was Riptide’s undoing. It’s almost poetic how beautiful this fuck up was. Just think Stan if you weren’t such a goddamned moron you might’ve brought home the Giant Nut. Whoops!

WINNER: Copperhead, Judges’ Decision (2-1)

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SEMIFINALS
RIBBOT (28) vs. SAWBLAZE (8)

Well, all four top seeds are out in the quarterfinals. I think this is the first season where all four reached the quarters and also the first time all four subsequently lost in the quarters too. Ribbot has swapped out its army of little forks for two bigger ones and curiously is still using its lighter spinner as opposed to its much heavier disc. I believe this was done to maximize Ribbot’s maneuverability and reduce the gyro effect its bigger weapon has while turning. It’s also probably so the team can add more armor to Ribbot’s top. Sawblaze looks to have been fully repaired after its run-in with Minotaur earlier in the episode. This might come as a shocker but this fight is also, say it with me, another rematch! These robots fought when Ribbot was still a rookie back in 2019 and in that battle Sawblaze came out ahead and won by unanimous decision. It was also Jamison’s birthday and Kenny gave him a cupcake that Chris had eaten half of.

As soon as the fight starts Ribbot goes wide and Sawblaze goes straight for Ribbot. What winds up happening is Sawblaze sticks one of its front forks under Ribbot and as Ribbot tries to drive off of it the starts spinning the two robots around and around. One thing we learned about Ribbot from its previous fight is it’s extremely patient so Ribbot is content to keep this stupid whirlwind going until Sawblaze gives up at which point Ribbot will probably be able to strike Sawblaze’s side. This goes on for a fucking minute and the only reason it stops is because Ribbot’s forks hit a seam near the Killsaws. The bots separate and Sawblaze immediately goes on the chase catching Ribbot and pinning it against the screws. Sawblaze fires off its hammer saw and blows apart Ribbot’s frog shell while also digging into the armor near the front right tire. Almost immediately a fire erupts underneath Ribbot. At first I thought this was a motor fire given how close the hit was to Ribbot’s wheel but as the smoke pours out and doesn’t fucking stop it becomes apparent this is a battery fire. Another one. How does Sawblaze do it???

Ribbot is basically on fire internally and somehow manages to hang in the fight. It rams into Sawblaze and the two robots start spinning around again with Ribbot spewing smoke out all over the place. Right as Chris Rose makes a joke about visibility Ribbot just fucking blows up and a full on fire erupts from the robot’s chassis. Sawblaze shoves Ribbot into the screws on the shelf and the robot gets yanked up onto the hazard. Amazingly despite the now blazing fire Ribbot is still able to drive and gets down off of the deck to presumably do fuck all because I didn’t mention it earlier but its weapon is totally dead. Sawblaze dutifully sweeps up Ribbot and starts throwing it into whatever walls it get close to before dropping the frog back off at the Upper Deck where Ribbot is once again pulled up onto the hazard. Ribbot’s wheels are twitching as it’s pushed around so I figured the robot would be dead but no it is still fully mobile and even successfully retreats back to its starting square when the fight ends. It doesn’t win the fight but that’s something Minotaur couldn’t do.

WINNER: Sawblaze, Judges’ Decision (3-0)

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SEMIFINALS
COPPERHEAD (10) vs. HUGE (6)

This is going to be an interesting fight because Copperhead isn’t even interested in having the conversation of attacking Huge’s wheels and trying to scrape up damage points in that manner; Luke straight up says he’s spinning Copperhead’s drum the wrong direction – on purpose – so that he can hopefully catch Huge’s bar and kick back twice the force of impact into it. He says he got the idea from the End Game fight when an upside down shot shattered the bearings of End Game’s disc but he could’ve just as easily said he got the idea from the Hypershock and Riptide fight where Hypershock was thrown into the fucking ceiling. I’m interested to see how this works to say the least. Meanwhile Huge’s plan is to hit in strange ways and potentially clip Copperhead’s wheels or exposed drive chains. “No one can hit them,” Jonathan says, “but we don’t hit like anyone else.”

Copperhead spins up right away because Huge charges like a raging bull with its big ass bar spinning up to speed. The robots entangle with each other and the air gets tense until finally some hits are landed. Copperhead’s drum starts ricocheting Huge backwards as Huge’s spinner lands hit after deflected hit. So far I guess Copperhead’s crazy plan is working? Huge eventually crawls upward and lands a hit to the top of Copperhead and flosses its blade right down in between Copperhead’s right wheel and the robot’s chassis. As you might imagine this clips the drive chain and if you look closely you can see it hanging out of Copperhead’s ass. Fucking hell, that didn’t take long. Sawblaze is getting battery shots left and right and Huge is sniping belts and chains like it’s trying to get all the candies off of a fucking candy necklace.

Huge rolls into Copperhead and bounces upward, the force of impact knocks loose the slack chain on Copperhead. Copperhead might only have one side of drive (again) but it’s still deadly and its plan to hit Huge downwards is still in action. Huge seems to have checked out of this fight because all it’s doing is spinning up its blade and dragging it across whatever part of Copperhead is exposed. Copperhead is trying to hang in there and at one point turns so sharply that its drum causes the robot to gyro up onto one side. Huge decides now is the time to go in for an attack and pounces on Copperhead in this really dangerous position. Copperhead gets rolled into the wall and as Huge brings its blade down directly into Copperhead’s drum the robot is kicked backwards and for a brief second there’s some intense friction smoke and a few sparks after which Copperhead’s weapon seizes up. Luke prided himself on having an unstoppable weapon and fucking Huge of all robots has just jacked it up. Maybe that whole “double force” strategy bit the snake on the ass?

As Copperhead reels from the impact Huge cruises in and with insane luck or precision, I’m still not sure which, rolls across Copperhead’s left wheel and strips the drive chain right off. Huge has systematically dismantled the most ferocious spinner this season has seen and disabled each wheel and its weapon. Fucking insane. Huge is moving on to the championship finals!

WINNER: Huge, KO

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CHAMPIONSHIP
HUGE (6) vs. SAWBLAZE (8)

Everything that’s happened this season has brought us to this fight. Every win, every loss, every robot. Even the shitty ones. Neither of these competitors have made it this far before. For Sawblaze this is a design that has evolved every year and made it one step further each time it showed up. For Huge this is a robot who was all over the place and was ultimately almost retired but in what could’ve been its final outing at BattleBots it’s reached the championship bout. Huge is equipped with its Tegris wheels to protect against slashes from Sawblaze’s hammer saw. Sawblaze has sacrificed one of its plows and had it welded on at a weird angle to act as a catcher for Huge’s blade so the robot can deliver its saw directly into Huge’s chassis. Only one of these strategies will work. This is the seventh time I’ve written about a BattleBots final and the fifth one I’ve seen live in person and you never forget the atmosphere. Fucking goosebumps, man.

Sawblaze charges Huge with its big ass inverted plow thing in full effect. Huge deflects Sawblaze away with its wheel in order to allow its weapon to spin up and as Huge spins back around to face Sawblaze it lands a hit that immediately fucks up the cradle attachment and flips Sawblaze completely over. Sawblaze is looking for an opening but with all that shit bolted onto its front end it’s reduced the ways it can attack Huge. Huge spins back up and lands another hit that flips Sawblaze over causing it to self right with its hammer saw. The bots don’t split up and Huge winds up throwing another punch that flips the dragon over. This fight is going fucking crazy and we’re not even thirty seconds in. Sawblaze floors it toward Huge again and Huge cleaves into Sawblaze so badly that it literally picks the entire fucking robot up off the ground and throws it over Huge’s head. Where the fuck is this energy coming from in Huge? We weren’t seeing hits like this against Witch Doctor.

Kenny Florian is getting into this fight and I swear to fucking god he says “Huge is out to win bigly.” Not sure I’d whip out a Trump-ism in the middle of a championship finals match but hey everyone is losing their shit right now so have at it. If we’re lucky maybe Chris Rose will call someone a bitch. Sawblaze gets in Huge’s face and stops its blade. This allows Sawblaze to floor it across the box and slam Huge into the wall where the big robot is pinned on the glass. Sawblaze finally throws its hammer saw forward and connects with Huge’s face. This hit has that trademark Jamison Go precision because it clips not one but both of the weapon belts on Huge’s right side. Huge has four belts and two motors each with a double belt pulley so this means Huge’s striking power has been cut in half. It’s unlikely we’ll be seeing any over the back hits from Huge now. Sawblaze continues to take the upper hand now as it shoves Huge around with those giant fucking chunks of Tegris attached to its plow.

Huge spins back up and collides with Sawblaze and manages to flip it over again. It doesn’t have the same energy as the opening hits of the fight but apparently even at half strength Huge is still a motherfucker. Sawblaze rams Huge into the window of the drivers’ booth and I swear there’s a chain that flies off of someone but I have no clue who it’s from; Huge uses belts for drive and Sawblaze is still fully functional so for all I know that’s a redundant chain that just came off of someone. Huge is getting absolutely bodied by Sawblaze now as that bent up plow is catching Huge’s weapon perfectly. Apparently it needed to take a few hits to bring out the demon inside. Sawblaze goes for an across the box ram and slice at Huge and manages to clip one of the two belts on the left side of its weapon. How is Jamison this accurate? Is he using aim bots? Genuinely, I mean this. Because when I’m driving a robot I can’t hit shit and usually wind up digging my weapon into the floor and losing.

There’s a minute left in this fight as signaled by the flashing perimeter lights. Sawblaze shoves Huge into the wall in front of the judges and drives forward with so much fucking force that it does a wheelie underneath Huge just to hold the goddamned pin. Huge’s wheels are spinning as it tries to escape but Sawblaze definitely has the upper hand in traction with its solid rubber tires. Huge gets paraded around the floor for a solid 40 seconds and as its pinned on the rails by the judges for the second time it appears that its right side of drive gives out because as Sawblaze backs away the robot’s only going in circles. As the buzzer sounds to signal the end of the fight both robots spin up their weapons to show they work however only Sawblaze is able to complete the control test to get back into its starting square.

This fight is so close that the judges actually go into the arena to inspect the damage up close. There are nicks and cuts all over both robots as Huge drove over Sawblaze and Sawblaze swung its mighty arm back and forth but what they are looking for is damage done to critical parts of the robots. After surveying the carnage they surely rewatched the battle on their little teleprompter things to get this one right. A unanimous decision was turned in and the winner? Sawblaze!

CHAMPION: Sawblaze, Judges’ Decision (3-0)

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I remember all the way back in World Championship II when Sawblaze debuted after Jamison broke away from the Overhaul team. It had an actual fucking dustpan and in its first fight it smothered and absolutely dominated Razorback, however due to the stupid ass judging “criteria” at the time that favored aggression and damage inflicted with a primary weapon Razorback won the fight because of all the passive hits it landed with its drum. Sawblaze was fucked over in its debut fight. That’s enough to make someone give up right then and there because any layperson would’ve said Sawblaze was the clear dominant force and winner of that fight. Go back and watch it if you’ve forgotten how shitty that call was. Rather than throw in the towel and let Sawblaze fade away as a robot that could’ve been Jamison kept up with it and evolved the design over the years. Remember when Sawblaze had that diamond-tipped cutting saw that did fuck all? Now it’s got that 30 pound hammer saw disc that does things like make Minotaur self-detonate. Twice. Sawblaze is true championship material and it’s time all the Sawblaze fans out there get a chance to be loud. Sawblaze truly is the best blaze.

If you pause those Road to the Giant Nut segments you can spot me in the crowd a couple of times. I stood around the same place for each of the four tapings they did of the segment. After taping wrapped and Jamison was up there with his team he actually picked me out of the crowd and said it was good to see me. That’s fucking cool. It still blows my mind that all I’ve done for the past eight years is write this dumb ass blog and people out there involved with the show recognize me. Jamison is one of the real ones and even though I had Hydra selected to win the nut I’m happy Sawblaze won it in the end.

Next season Sawblaze will have a banner in the rafters and I can’t wait to see it.

The main season of BattleBots may be over but there’s still some more content to cover. In a few months BattleBots: Champions will air featuring a B-side tournament of competitors gunning for the Golden Bolt. There’s also the Giant Bolts to give out which is usually done at the end of the Champions event since fights and battles that happen there are considered for the awards for best driving and most destructive robot. There were also some exhibition fights that took place that didn’t make it to TV including one where some very expensive equipment was damaged and held up production. Hopefully that makes it to air, if not I’ll talk about it when the time comes.

BattleBots Update will go silent for a little while but not for long. I’m a man of many hats and I’ve got a lot of projects I am working on. If you’d like to check them out click one of the following links. I host a weekly game stream on Twitch called “Gatorbox” and the entire 1,300+ video archive of the stream is also on YouTube. I am the narrator of the limited run podcast Fanfiction Factory where I read old fanfics and talk about the community around them (season two will be recorded this summer). I am also the writer behind The Sharperer Image, a weekly-ish comedy Tumblr that posts fake products inspired by Skymall. Finally, I am working on a card game based on the Gatorbox stream that’s derived from the old Mille Bornes game. I hope to have that go live later this year.

Thank you so much for making it this far with me this year. I know I had my stumbles along the way and I learned a lot about the BattleBots community and how it intersects with the readership of this blog. Eight years in and I’m still learning about these things. I got to take a look at this blog from another perspective and much like Jonathan Schultz with Huge I decided it wasn’t BattleBots Update’s time to go yet.

If you enjoyed the coverage this season and want to send me a tip you can do so through Ko-Fi. Likewise if you’d like to pitch in to keep the lights on around here you can make a monthly pledge on Patreon. A huge thanks to Krista S. and Darkleviathan213 for joining the Patreon page and another thank you to mordecai14 for his recent donation through Ko-Fi! I have big plans for this blog and hopefully those can get into motion soon! Follow BBU on Facebook to stay updated!

See you for BattleBots: Champions!

– Draco