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[BattleBots: S7 E3 is available online through ABC GO and Hulu.]

Last week on BattleBots we had a two-hour special which caused its Update article to end up getting posted in the middle of the night. This week’s episode is firmly back in the realm of “I can do this in a day without killing myself and drinking two knock off gas station brand Monsters” and is just one hour long. It’s also why you’re seeing it pop up in your Facebook feed at a much more reasonable hour. The majority of the qualification round was completed with last week’s season premiere special. Just in case you missed it, Bronco gave Blacksmith an air burial, Captain Shrederator showed Deathroll why America is the best country in the world, Beta broke its curse against an unlucky Lucky, Photon Storm butted heads with Minotaur and paid the ultimate price, Chomp eeeehhhhhhh’d against Disk O’Inferno, Hypershock did its best Dahmer impression on Ultraviolent, Complete Control completely trashed Bombshell, and Warhead won the Battle of the Memes 2016 over Obwalden Overlord.

Anyways, the Mysterious Voice has just finished up talking over this episode’s opening clipshow so I guess it’s time to see who’s taking the final 8 tournament spots and who’s getting the wildcards. I can’t possibly foresee this episode causing tons of salt in the community. Nope, none at all.



Sam greets us this week dressed like she’s supposed to be hosting some middle-of-the-afternoon talkshow for lonely housewives. She may have been wearing that dress last week as well, but after last season’s Tiegate I stopped consciously paying attention to what the hosts are wearing. Chris and Kenny could show up dressed as the fucking Ninja Turtles for all I care and I probably wouldn’t notice. The editors cut to the Giant Nut displayed on the Dr. Claw Dildo Table Axis and unless it’s just me that table looks awfully wobbly. I guess it got bumped into enough times by the production crew that it’s become a “scotch tape and bubble gum” situation.

Chris walks into the shot when no one is looking and re-explains the tournament setup for all the people who didn’t tune in last week because they were too busy watching the fucking basketball draft. Their loss. Kobe isn’t even playing next season, there’s nothing to watch. Basketball is over. Chris also lets us know we shouldn’t underestimate the robots who receive consolation wildcards… because that worked out so well for Warhead and fucking Chomp last year. The wildcards will be announced at the end of this episode however, so that’s enough about them for now. I don’t know about you but I’ve just realized I’ve slowly zoned out and started staring at the “SAMSUNG” logo printed on my television while these talking heads do their business. I want to see some robots, and I don’t mean Samantha Ponder.


1v1 me m8

1v1 me m8

If you watched BattleBots last season you know who Adam Bercu is. You might not know his name, but if I were to say “the asshole with the Tumblr hair who refused to shake Donald Hutson’s hand after their fight” you’d snap and go “oh, THAT guy”. Right now the producers are trying to spin some convoluted narrative that Team JACD — the now-former team behind the original Overhaul robot last year — has broken up “like The Beatles” because apparently nobody can agree on the kind of robot they wanted to build but they sure as shit knew they didn’t want to be involved with Overhaul’s brand new anime paint job. Because all these damn kids can afford to go to M-I-fucking-T however, that means the Team JACD quartet broke apart into four separate BattleBots teams (don’t mind the “three” bit, the producers can’t count). From these four teams we got Overhaul “2.0”, Road Rage, Sawblaze, and Adam’s robot: Brutus. I guess you could say they… “JACD off”. I promise the jokes get better.



Adam discusses what we already know by this point, nobody on Team JACD would take his suggestions seriously so he decided to fuck off and make his own team with blackjack and hookers. The design he wanted to build that couldn’t pass the scrutiny of his former team? A robot armed with a spinning vertical disc… and guns. Yes, you heard (and saw) that correctly, Brutus is here to celebrate the Second Amendment and joins Captain Shrederator on their quest to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. Nobody’s yanking your chains, by the way; Brutus’ guns are literally guns, as in “bang bang”. They don’t shoot legitimate ammunition but you still have to appreciate the fucking balls on this guy to build what amounts to Call of Duty: Robotic Warfare with a straight goddamned face. No wonder nobody on his team took this shit seriously — and — if there were people on the team who wanted to build robots with firearms no wonder they broke up over building an anime sex bot.

“I’m here to win my way,” says Adam. That means he’s not going to win, but let’s see how well he does anyways.



Team Moebius

Weapon: Spinning outer shell w/ teeth


Team Brutus

Weapon: Vertical spinning bar & guns



Joining the ranks of Complete Control, Moebius is the second middleweight-turned-heavyweight to make its return to BattleBots. It is its own robot, by the way. They didn’t just give Invader a second chance like they did with Ultraviolent or whatever, the two robots just happen to look almost identical. You can barely tell them apart on the official BattleBots “ABC season two” T-shirt. Like Invader however, Moebius’ primary method of offense — its spinning outer shell — doubles as its defense. According to Kenny, the motor driving Moebius’ shell is running at 74 volts. That’s retarded, real talk. Nobody needs to wield that much power, Kenny even says that’s double the voltage of Tombstone’s weapon and we’ve seen what Tombstone can do to someone. Fun science fact for you, doubling a motor’s voltage effectively quadruples its power output. If Moebius manages to land a hit on Brutus it’ll send it all the way back to Call of Duty 1.

Chris says Adam Bercu, Brutus’ builder, is “all grown up now”. Nah dude, he basically built a robot that I firmly believe was originally named “xXx[MLG]QwikSkope[420]xXx” at some point in its construction. The guy has also committed the cardinal sin of robot combat by doing what every dumbass redneck on Facebook has thought of the moment they hear about BattleBots: “put a gun on it”. Adam Bercu might have attractive facial hair, but on the inside he’s basically like seven. Also, can we stop calling this thing “gangsta”? Adam Bercu is whiter than I am. He is the Vanilla Ice of gangster. If Tupac were here today Adam would get capped with his own fucking sidearm. Speaking of sidearms, for all the playing up the commentators are doing regarding Brutus’ guns the team sure doesn’t seem to be hedging their odds on them considering they’ve still gone forward with a more conventional weapon, a vertical blade.

Things got weird fast.

Things got weird fast.

Let’s talk a little bit about Moebius’ entrance. When I showed up to the taping of BattleBots I was expecting to see some robot combat, not a goddamned Rob Zombie concert. I don’t even know what the fuck was going on when this was happening. Moebius has the deranged “the end is nigh” preacher… but there’s also a guy wailing on an electric guitar? There’s a slave chained to the coffin dragging it to its destination… and also someone throwing sparks off of a grinder? In what timeline is this robot supposed to exist? What goddamned universe gave birth to this unholy abomination of crazy cultism and goofy contact lenses that get lost somewhere between entering the arena and setting your robot up? Don’t think I didn’t notice that by the way. I see everything, including why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Speaking of things I noticed, it looks like the editors cut out Moebius’ driver continuing on his robot’s legacy by saying “indeed” when ready. Boo.

That's what you get for trying to summon the devil.

That’s what you get for trying to summon the devil.

The match begins, and then ends. Brutus drifts out of its square guns ablaze and manages to shoot the arena wall. For all the MLG bravado this robot has, Adam didn’t think to bring aimbots. Fucking amateur. Meanwhile, Moebius gets its shell spinning up to speed and subsequently realizes that maybe 74 volts of power was a little too much. Moebius immediately becomes off-balanced and destroys itself internally, shitting out an entire battery in the most spectacular manner possible. Sensing its opponent has just set the score of this deathmatch at -1 to 0, Brutus cruises in and glances Moebius with its front wedge, tossing the spinner up and over into the screws. Somehow, after all of this, Moebius still isn’t dead. Its spinner is effectively toast, but the robot itself is still mobile.

Realizing their options for a win have been exhausted in all of about six seconds, Moebius immediately begins to try and retreat back into Hell by opening a portal in the middle of the red square. Adam has the foresight to sense this, so he comes in to shut this Hellraiser shit show down and promptly upends Moebius in a single blow from its cutter. You can’t tell from the fight because of all the smoke, but this hit actually ripped a crack all the way up Moebius’ shell. Brutus literally tore its opponent a new asshole. Shoutouts to the ref who asks the Moebius team to “show movement”. I know that’s part of the rules and regulations and all that, but god damn dude take a hint.

WINNER: Brutus, KO


gon getch

gon getch

Last year Terry Ewert returned to the BattleBots circuit with Warrior Clan, a multibot consisting of a spinner/flipper combo and two mini flamethrowers. After having its minibots completely eviscerated by Nightmare in the qualifying rounds, Warrior Clan moved on to face the sabertooth cat itself, Ghost Raptor. Fresh off of a win that cost them their entire goddamned weapon, Ghost Raptor went into battle in what Chuck Pitzer literally called “train mode” and defeated Warrior Clan using nothing more than sheer bragging and a piece of steel they found behind a dumpster and bolted onto their robot to give it an “active weapon”. Terry was finished, he said this was his last tournament. However, like any rational human being he couldn’t stand to have his career end at the hands of fucking Ghost Raptor so, as Chris Rose so eloquently put it, he pulled a Michael Jordan and returned to the sport with former BattleBots champion Son of Whyachi.

If Clark Gregg is to be believed, which he isn’t, there was Whyachi and now there’s the Son of Whyachi. It’s the return of a legend.

Son of Whyachi in a rare moment of not murdering someone.

Son of Whyachi in a rare moment of not murdering someone.

The producers are NOT fucking around with this match-up. These guys have spent two episodes this season barely bringing up the Comedy Central era of this show, but to make a point for this match they pulled out the stops and BAM, footage of Biohazard vs. Son of Whyachi in the season three heavyweight finals. Arguably one of the closest finals in the history of the sport.

Terry mentions he’s brought Son of Whyachi out of a “14 year retirement”. Not true, dude. I know you’re trying to hide the shame that was the gasoline-powered disaster “Nitro S.O.W.” but here on BattleBots Update it’s my job to not just air that dirty laundry but to raise it on a goddamned flagpole. Son of Whyachi might be a former champion, but much like a real sports celebrity its career ended quietly and shamefully once it could no longer compete in its league. Son of Whyachi retired as a broken machine with a horrible win/loss record and even though it’s made a comeback thus far we’ve only seen it trash five lightweights. That said, I still expect a cakewalk of a victory for Terry and his team.



Team Raptor

Weapon: Horizontal spinning blade


Team Whyachi

Weapon: Horizontal spinning blade (main) & wedge (minibot)

Ghost Raptor, off to a fantastic start. I think.

Ghost Raptor, off to a fantastic start. I think.

Last season, much to the surprise of everyone, Chuck Pitzer’s Ghost Raptor ascended the tournament bracket all the way to the semi-finals where it lost to eventual champion Bite Force. Truthfully, Chuck had to deal with a lot of bullshit last season namely in the way of “the net” from its fight with Complete Control, but that’s only a 50/50 sort of thing. The other side of that coin is Ghost Raptor’s spinning blade appeared to be largely for show because it broke clean in half after hitting its opponent once. Afterward, Ghost Raptor continued onward sporting all sorts of random ass attachments in its place; this is why Chris says Chuck is all about “adaptation”. Sure, you can call it that if you want. I had some other choice words for it, but let’s just go with “adaptation”. Ghost Raptor has been rebuilt and repaired essentially as the same design for this season and sports an even more menacing looking blade. Here’s to hoping it actually does something this time around.

Son of Whyachi has already fought this season as it was one of the 12 robots battling it out for a spot in the tournament during “The Gears Awaken”. Again, I still have absolutely no fucking clue how a former champion was cast into the same field of robots as Mohawk but my best guess is “ratings”. Really, that’s kind of the whole reason why there’s a rivalry between these two builders (who, in real life actually have no bad blood whatsoever). The simple fact is Ghost Raptor beat Terry’s robot last year and now that they’ve been drawn to fight each other this year that means only one thing: RIVALRY. This time around the shoe is on the other foot however, as Son of Whyachi brings its 100+ pound spinning cage of death to the arena as opposed to whatever the fuck Warrior Clan is supposed to do. Because Terry was paying attention last year, he’s also brought a tiny wedge bot that he hopes to use to high center Ghost Raptor.

That blur is not a lens flare, it's a minibot hitting terminal velocity.

That blur is not a lens flare, it’s a minibot hitting terminal velocity.

“That’s right bitches,” Chuck yells as he tests his robot out, its blade catching on the floor. This is gonna be one of “those fights”, isn’t it…?

A mere one second into the fight Ghost Raptor has already plowed through Son of Whyachi’s minibot like it’s not even there. Unluckily for Chuck though, the robot lands on its wheels and drives away. The minibot also deploys its ace at this moment as well: the wrapper from a Fruit Roll-Up. Chuck pays this no attention and instead focuses on absorbing as many hits as he can with Ghost Raptor’s face. For a robot as fragile-looking as Ghost Raptor, it’s surprisingly holding up well. For now. Son of Whyachi’s minibot finally finds its mark and dives underneath Ghost Raptor to play with its balls or something. This first run is ultimately a failure as the minibot gets tossed out and ends up high centering its own goddamned teammate in the process.

Above: Ghost Raptor, mid-transformation.

Above: Ghost Raptor, mid-transformation.

This is Ghost Raptor’s moment. This is where the whole fight turns around. Chuck tells his teammate it’s time to “spin up and take them down”. Ghost Raptor’s blade starts to spin. Then… Chuck’s robot shits the bed and sucks its own wedge skirt into its weapon and gets it caught in the blade’s tilting array. Try as you might, Ghost Raptor, you will never escape the spaghetti of the sabertooth cat. Kenny says the wedge is “jammed up”. This is it, people. We are witnessing the perfect storm. The BattleBots singularity. We have a fight blown out of proportion for fucking TV ratings, the sabertooth cat itself, and Kenny has dropped a “jam up”. The trifecta is complete. Any minute now Mechadon is going to rip a hole through the floor, climb up out of it, and finish both robots off.

Son of Whyachi’s minibot finally gets its purchase in Ghost Raptor’s ass. Chuck can’t believe it. A 250-pound robot has just been immobilized by something the size of a fucking Game Boy. Son of Whyachi cruises in to finish the job, slamming Ghost Raptor in the face and tossing it into the wall where it promptly dies. Last week I described Ghost Raptor as a robot that “fights like a helicopter accident”. I still stand by that claim. Sabertooth cat.

WINNER: Son of Whyachi, KO


rip in yeti, never forgetty

rip in yeti, never forgetty

Fresh off the set of what I’m guessing is Ax Men is Gregory Gibson, builder and driver of newcomer Yeti. Gregory takes a simple approach to BattleBots; he even says so himself. He doesn’t give a shit about strategy or control, only aggression. He’s all about doing as much damage as possible and as quickly as possible. We’ve even inexplicably got some archival content from the Comedy Central era of this guy’s old bots! Let’s see how his philosophy panned out. Oh? You mean it didn’t pan out at all? Well color me fucking shocked. Check out that sweet still of Fusion parking itself atop his robot’s dead carcass; Fusion was a piece of shit that managed to lose to Buddy Lee Don’t Play In The Street, so that’s where the bar is set in this scenario where Gregory came out on the losing end. Fuck dude, they even do the “dramatic zoom-in with black & white” on the picture. Of Fusion.

Gregory has since refined his skills and continued to compete outside of BattleBots, so I’ll give credit where due. He still stands behind his philosophy of his robot being “all offense”. That’s why the artwork on top looks like he commissioned someone on DeviantArt to draw it for him. It’s also why his robot has virtually no armor. You see, while some builders try to balance their designs to be good all around, Gregory really is taking the “I’ve never played an RPG game before so I’m just going to dump all of my skill points into Strength and hope for the best” route. I don’t know if this guy is ballsy or just stupid. Like, he knows Tombstone is a thing. He namedrops the robot literally seconds after saying “my robot has no armor”. Armor is basically Tombstone’s only weakness and Gregory has said “fuck that”.

Yeti isn’t here to try and “hang” with the big guys. It’s here to show it is one of the “big guys”. Cue philosophical beard stroking. Uh huh.



Team Mutant Robots

Weapon: Spring-loaded flipper / clamping jaws


Team Yeti

Weapon: Vertical spinning drum & lifting fork

A death fit for a Disney villain.

A death fit for a Disney villain.

Donald Hutson has been a part of robot combat forever. Now that we’ve finally been able to start getting into the older seasons of the show you’ve been able to get a taste of where his madness began: Tazbot and Diesector. Thus far we’ve only made it far enough in to see Diesector at its worst but somehow this thing became a champion. That was the angle the producers played with Donald last season in the segment I called “The 13 Year Champion”. Last season Donald competed with Lock-Jaw and only fought Overhaul because ratings. You see, Donald did this thing where he hit Overhaul after the buzzer prompting Brutus’ Adam Bercu to do his best impression of Randy Eubanks having a sperg out over this glaring violation of his robo-rights. Since we are in the Tumblr Age of the Internet now this explanation has since been condensed into the word “triggered”. Lock-Jaw is back and better than ever with a set of chompers that double as a spring-loaded flipper. As always the robot is looking good with that unique Mutant Robots aesthetic that I can only describe as what happens when Mechagodzilla fucks a Transformer.

Yeti rolls into the Battlebox fresh out of Alaska with a set of mismatched wheels officially cementing this fight as The Battle of the Goofy-Ass Tires. Like its builder said just a few moments ago, Yeti is all about business and has no armor. That’s why its weapon clocks in at only 84 points, right? Shouldn’t that be 100 or something and with its defense score on par with Obwalden Overlord? I wish I knew where all the weight went on Yeti because so much of this robot looks like things were done to shed pounds from it; shitty armor, swiss-cheesed wheels, etc. The drum only weighs 40 pounds so that leaves 210 pounds for the rest of the robot. Maybe the weight ended up being spent on the attack bear hidden inside of Yeti.

Whatever Lock-Jaw's plan is, I don't think it's working.

Whatever Lock-Jaw’s plan is, I don’t think it’s working.

Yeti starts this match by accidentally propping itself up a few inches with its lifting fork. I legitimately just sighed out loud. Not for long though, because miraculously this faux pas gets 180’d into a mega blow that not only pops Lock-Jaw through the air and onto its back but fucks up one of its tires too. Dare I say it, but maybe Gregory was onto something with the whole “who needs armor when you’ve got guns” routine. Or maybe that was Brutus. In any case, Yeti is taking it to Lock-Jaw and we’re just a few seconds into this fight. What did F’Reauxk say during its intro? “Here to Himalay-you-out?” Who writes this shit? Gregory absolutely doesn’t give a fuck; Lock-Jaw can’t even get going in this fight, its wheels are taking glancing blows like crazy and now Yeti is ramming its giant cock down its opponent’s throat throwing sparks everywhere.

Chris likens this fight to reheating something in the microwave, proving once and for all that this man is not capable of living on his own and at some point is going to pull a Chris-Chan and burn his house down with a home appliance. Kenny’s been so good about saying “jam up” this season but can’t help but drop another one to describe Lock-Jaw’s plan of attack, which appears to be biting down on its opponent’s weapon no matter the consequence. Bold strategy, let’s see how this plays out. Donald manages a solid grip on Yeti, but Yeti manages to escape by flipping its lifter around. This would be a great maneuver had it not been for the teeny tiny problem that it ended up giving Lock-Jaw free reign to bite its shiny metal ass and take it to the Pulverizer. Lock-Jaw turns the tables and if you watch closely you’ll see the chain that drives Yeti’s lifter give up the ghost and go the way of Lycan’s.

Yep. Not working.

Yep. Not working.

For all the aggression Yeti was throwing at Lock-Jaw when this fight started, the ball is now firmly in Lock-Jaw’s court. This doesn’t last long though, as in yet another twist the motor driving Lock-Jaw’s front left wheel — the one Yeti broadsided at the start of the match — joins Yeti’s lifter chain in the big junkyard in the sky. This also gives us an opportunity to see just how much damage Yeti has done to Lock-Jaw’s clamp, the teeth of which are all kinds of fucked up. This is all a part of Donald’s master plan to have Lock-Jaw replace Britain in the EU, I think. Yeti shaves more metal from Lock-Jaw’s face and somehow this robot is still able to push back against its attacker. I don’t even know how this is possible, but this has been an absolutely fantastic showing from both teams. I think both should win, and one of them replace Chomp or whatever.

WINNER: Yeti, Judges’ Decision


With eight fights left to go as we entered this episode that means four of them weren’t going to make it to TV. Much like what I did last week, here’s a slightly more in-depth breakdown of what you missed by these battles not cutting the muster.

Mega Tento getting fucked every which way.

Mega Tento getting fucked every which way.

Mega Tento vs. Poison Arrow: Right away I guess we’re starting with the battle that should’ve made it to air. I’m not a fan of Tentomushi by any stretch of the term and to be honest I thought it was a ridiculous idea to take a robot that absolutely sucked as a lightweight and beef it up to a heavyweight. That said, Mega Tento performed slightly better than I’d originally anticipated… probably because Poison Arrow is another BattleBots midget like Minotaur. It’s worth noting that before this fight started Mega Tento was wheeled into the arena with a bunch of jangly things hanging down inside of its shell. Trey Roski saw this, had a Vietnam flashback to “the net”, and halted the fight introductions and told Lisa to take all that shit out of there. Poison Arrow ended up being in Mega Tento’s face the entire fight and even though it was small enough to get covered by the ladybug this was basically a carbon copy of Alpha Raptor vs. Tentomushi from years gone by, Poison Arrow overpowered its opponent regardless of whether or not it was covered. This was also the only fight at this event where a drone did anything of merit; don’t listen to Sam because she has no fucking clue what she’s talking about. Poison Arrow’s flamethrower weakened the top of Mega Tento’s shell to the point of it breaking, disabling it.

Take THAT, anime!

Take THAT, anime!

Overhaul vs. Cobalt: This match was eerily similar to Tombstone vs. Black Ice, one of the cut matches from last week. Unlike the Tombstone fight, Cobalt suffered some sort of electrical problem that took out its primary weapon. Overhaul was able to consistently deflect most of Cobalt’s hits, however there was one major factor that “ended” this fight resulting in Overhaul being unable to move… and I don’t mean its anime paint job. It was later revealed in the pits that Overhaul got a piece of someone else’s robot stuck in part of its drivetrain which reduced its mobility and allowed Cobalt to land the killer blow to take the win.

Sawblaze vs. Razorback: Some viewers were quick to point out on Reddit that even though Razorback won this fight all of the highlights show Sawblaze going to town on it. That was kind of the case at the event, too. This was another fight the audience disagreed with and Razorback ended up getting booed, which you can sort of hear even though the editors have tried to mask it. This was still a close fight, but I’m assuming what this came down to was the fact that Sawblaze’s weapon self-destructed the minute it was used against Razorback. Razorback had the stronger weapon and because it was still functional at the end of the match I’m guessing that’s what fueled the judges’ call. I don’t even pretend to know what the judges are looking for in these fucking fights anymore, by the way. It used to be “did you kick the other guy’s ass” but now there’s all these ridiculous factors about “primary weapon” this and “did a woman build it” that. Just kidding.

Wrecks running away like a Scooby Doo character.

Wrecks running away like a Scooby Doo character.

Red Devil vs. Wrecks: Wrecks fucking died immediately. Right at the start of the fight it tried to take one step, tripped, and promptly flung itself into the Pulverizer after ripping a fourteen inch gash in the arena floor. The impact also broke the mechanism that moves Wrecks’ legs, so it really was dead by its own hands. Red Devil still came in for some hits but was unable to completely avoid Wrecks’ disc; in the hit where you see Red Devil take Wrecks to the wall its disc actually came around and clipped through one of the linear actuators that articulate Red Devil’s chassis which locked it into that stupid looking “open” pose it spent the entire rest of the fight in. Also, Jerome Miles isn’t really a newcomer to the sport either; he competed in the Comedy Central era and his heavyweight robot, Knome II, has been covered here on The Update in the past. Red Devil is certainly a step above Knome II.


Shot from the set of Office Space 2.

Shot from the set of Office Space 2.

Rotator is a robot built by Victor Soto, who makes his living building medical robots for surgical procedures. In his builder bio segment he’s seen working on someone’s teeth. Funnily enough, he’s about to do that when he gets in the arena, too. Also I’m just going to throw this out there, but I can’t really watch the scenes where he’s drilling on the giant fake tooth. I know it’s made of foam and all that shit but it makes my skin crawl. Fucking doctor Frankenstein over here.

Victor knows you’re not supposed to dispose of electronic waste by destroying it with your robot out behind the building where you created it, but he doesn’t seem to care about things like “rules” and “laws” and all that. Check out Rotator slicing through that shitty old printer that they probably don’t even make ink cartridges anymore even though it’s two years old. Take that, planned obsolescence!



Team Revolution

Weapon: Dual horizontal spinning blades


Busted Nuts Robotics

Weapon: Vertical spinning disc

I “get” the gimmick behind Rotator, I really do, but I always have to wonder why you would double up on your weapons but still put one of them in the back. I understand it’s probably to make it so that you’ll never have to make more than a 90 degree turn to have one of them facing an opponent, but in all likelihood the whole thing just seems improbable. That said, I’m with Kenny; nothing gets me more rock hard than a good palindrome. Also, because I’m a details-oriented kind of guy, plus a huge asshole to boot, I just want to point out that the “T’s” in the robot’s logo aren’t part of the palindrome. What gives, Victor? Even though we just saw Rotator with discs in its builder bio segment it’s entering this fight sporting two mini-Tombstones, and I don’t mean the pizzas.

That's it. Fight's over.

That’s it. Fight’s over.

Glippity gloppity, glippity goo, guess who needs to think of something new? Witch Doctor was one of four wildcards last year and arguably out of all of them it made the strongest showing. Even though Witch Doctor lost its first match against Bronco, the multibot still put up one hell of a fight and it literally took Bronco throwing this robot out of the arena to shut it down. Shaman, Witch Doctor’s wingman, is present this season but is sitting this match out; much like last season the team has elected to put 30 pounds of extra armor on Witch Doctor instead in order to guard against their opponent’s weaponry. Personally, I feel this is unnecessary because Witch Doctor isn’t a printer. The bot returns this year sporting an even more powerful version of its vertical spinner, but more importantly it also has the ability to flip itself back over in the event that it gets tossed on its back again. Also, not only does Kenny Florian believe in magic, he’s afraid of being cursed. Shouldn’t have watched The Mummy before coming in to work, buddy.

There’s not even a fucking fight to talk about here. I was kidding when I said Rotator was only dangerous to printers. This battle is done in a single hit; Witch Doctor nudges Rotator into the corner and when Rotator tries to spin around to get out they just come in and clip one of its wheels right off. That’s it, that’s literally it. Not even Chris believes it, but at least we get Kenny’s third and final “jam up” of the episode. He really let himself go this week.

By this point I feel like anything else I say is just padding this stupid article so it looks longer.

WINNER: Witch Doctor, KO


Mega Tento out for blood after getting obliterated.

Mega Tento out for blood after getting obliterated.

Watch closely and you can see the credits of the show run before the wildcards are even announced. I think that’s because the “selection committee” knows they’re about to piss off a ton of people so they wanted to let this one loose as quickly and as late into the show as possible. This is so late into the end of the episode that Greatest Hits or whatever was coming on next has pretty much already started. I don’t know jack shit about that show other than the fact that its commercials were carefully crafted to actually promote that goddamned Ghostbusters reboot. Anyways here’s the eight bots coming back from the dead:

  • BLACKSMITH: Lost to Bronco (KO). After knocking out two opponents during The Gears Awaken, plus holding its own pretty well against Bronco I can definitely see Blacksmith proving itself worthy of the wildcard. Hopefully they’ve been able to fix the Big Time Hammer.
  • GHOST RAPTOR: Lost to Son of Whyachi (KO). Just in case you are wondering, no, I don’t also photobomb Ghost Raptor’s second arena introduction. Chuck glared at me and shot daggers that I swear to god required medical intervention to remove.
  • BOMBSHELL: Lost to Complete Control (Decision). Mike Jeffries of the Chaos Corps team insisted that the only damage done to his robot was that some “wires melted” and the oily goop you saw was just the rubber stopper for their axe also melting. That still sounds pretty serious to me but okay you’re the expert, dude.
  • LOCK-JAW: Lost to Yeti (Decision). I couldn’t see this one any other way. Despite blowing up in its fight against Yeti, Lock-Jaw was all over them and I feel they only lost due to how much damage they sustained. I for one am excited to see it come back and kick some more ass.
  • LUCKY: Lost to Beta (Decision). Another reasonable decision. Even though Rob Masek’s camera presence is awkward at best Lucky definitely put up a good fight against Beta, but in the end just couldn’t edge out a win over a robot who managed to be the whole goddamned universe itself.
  • MEGA TENTO: Lost to Poison Arrow (Decision). This one’s right up there with Ghost Raptor in that the producers have got to be playing favorites with former competitors, and if that’s the case why not Disk O’Inferno? Mega Tento absolutely held its own against Poison Arrow, but the robot was thoroughly destroyed and humiliated; that sandbox has never taken a beating so savage before.
  • NIGHTMARE: Lost to Stinger (KO). As much as I love Nightmare, and that’s certainly quite a bit, this is another one that I’m sort of on the fence about. Nightmare was able to land in one devastating blow to Stinger, but beyond that the rest of the fight was all Stinger. Still, Nightmare is a legend and if it’s back in the brackets then consider me a happy camper.
  • OVERHAUL: Lost to Cobalt (KO). Charles Guan has already had his waifu called garbage once, and he’s not going to let that happen again. Oh, no. While the robot’s showing against Cobalt was less than stellar, they were also disabled by something outside of their control so I guess it’s good they’re getting a second chance.

The committee also almost unintentionally put their choices in alphabetical order. Almost. I don’t know why I always notice stupid shit like this. That’s a wrap, though. Unfortunately this is the end of the line for robots like Disk O’Inferno, Deathroll, Overdrive, and Mecha SubZero.

Everyone's favorite sabertooth cat also lives to fight another day!

Everyone’s favorite sabertooth cat also lives to fight another day!

The Round of 32 is locked and loaded! Be sure to set your DVR and all of that good stuff, and please please please tell your friends and family to watch next week’s episode! Don’t invite them over to your place either, make them watch it on their own damn TV so the ratings are higher. BattleBots is doing good, but not great. We’ve got the 2016 Olympics to compete with as well as fucking Big Bang Theory. A rerun of that stupid fucking show with Sheldon Goddamned Cooper pulled in twice the viewership of BattleBots this week. For every 1 person that watched BattleBots, 2 watched Big Bang Theory. That means you need to look at the person sitting to your left and your right and strangle both of those motherfuckers. Seriously. It wasn’t even a new episode, it was a rerun. I’ve seen that show once and it made me want to kill myself, I cannot even fathom what kind of person not only watches an episode once but watches it again as a rerun. The jokes aren’t going to be any funnier. You aren’t going to magically “get it”. There’s nothing to “get” with Big Bang Theory; it’s a shitty sitcom written by a bunch of jackasses meant to cater to “trendy nerds” who think they’re hip but are actually totally goddamned idiots. And seven million people fell for it instead of watching a show about actual nerds. You fucking morons.

Don’t even watch the Olympics either, there’s nothing to see. They’ve been doing that shit for thousands of years or whatever; it’s all the same crap. BattleBots is new and awesome. Besides, you can only watch someone swim a lap or jump a hurdle so many times before you get tired of it. Don’t tell me you only watch the Olympics for the same reason you watch NASCAR, either: the fails. If you want to see someone fuck up exercising go to Planet Fitness. I don’t care if these people have been training their whole lives just so they can go to Brazil and die from a Zika infection or whatever. I don’t care. Blacksmith got a wildcard and that means it’s back in the tournament. That’s what I give a shit about.

Be sure to follow BattleBots Update on Facebook so you get a heads up when new stuff gets posted! Also, apologies in advance but next week’s article may be just a few days late; I am going to be out of town for July 4th celebrating AMERICA. Thanks for kickin’ it here on BattleBots Update with me, I’ll see you next week. Have a safe 4th!

– Draco